Ever notice it’s always the other people who are dead inside? They are always the sheep, blithely following. Never us. The thought occurred to me that maybe we are them. It’s a theme I’ve been exploring, mostly because of the ever growing political divides, plaguing our society.
But what if it’s more than the soul crushing beat of politics or personal dissatisfaction that is eating away at us? What if our separation from the light, our fall, our continuing struggle with ego, with winning and having, is because we actually are dead inside?
It’s not a pleasant thought. But bear with me, there just may be a light at the end of the tunnel I’m inviting you into.
For me, a survivor of child sexual abuse, I think about how I was changed. And sometimes I wonder if I was raptured during my CSA. What if I died and went to heaven during my out of body experience, back when I was fourteen? What if I left the building and just kept going? What if I’m actually dead inside, only believing myself to be alive because the body itself has an energy that refuses to accept it’s own death?
The body’s life force consists mainly of desire. Perhaps we confuse our burning desire for things, gratification, fame, longevity, love, etc with our soul. We long for freedom without consequences. But perhaps our soul is a very quiet, gentle thing, easily overpowered by ambition, easily driven out by trauma or defeat.
I always preferred to think of myself as an indomitable spirit, a survivor, the ever ready battery that keeps going and going. But what if my true self, the quiet, gentle, joyful, truly creative spirit, dwelling in me, just quit when the going got tough, and ran for the hills? What then? What of me is left here on Earth? And what is the point of living if one is dead? What freedom is there in endless longing?
When we lose our innocence, which I think we all do at some point along the way, part of us dies. So, what if we’re all dead? I think on a certain level, we are. I know. On the surface this sounds like really bad news. But is it?
I’ve noticed that people who understand their brokenness have a glimpse into the eternal. They have found a way to tap into something greater than themselves. They see themselves as part of something larger. Whereas, those who feel they don’t need help, that they are an island unto themselves, seem trapped in their own deadness. Sometimes we have to plow the depths to see the light.
When we understand that we are all broken, that part of us is actually dead, it can be very liberating. It can be transformative. Once we are able to mourn our innocence, embrace a higher wisdom, we begin to feel more directed. We exchange pride for humility and we gain a more detached perspective. Our ambitions change. They are directed outward, not inward. Our definition of success evolves; it begins to include others. We become an element of change and growth, not of self preservation.
It is the ego that dies away, while our soul continues. We are free to be more than we ever believed we could be. We are free indeed. There is a lightness in accepting our utter meaninglessness. Because once we do, we can tap into our truest potential as humans and create true meaning, not just in our lives, but in the lives of others.