TRIGGER ALERT – Mature content.
This video (below) may be challenging for those recovering from Child Sexual Abuse. That is the intention. It is a poem, created from the perspective of the abuser. It was intended as a therapeutic exercise in empathy, by me, and for myself, as a survivor of CSA. It is part of my ongoing journey toward healing. Why on Earth would I want to empathize with the man who abused me? I have found understanding every aspect of the complexities of CSA, continues to be of the utmost importance in the recovery process. Understanding is where resolution lives.
Within all of us, are different versions of ourselves. Some versions are enlightened, benevolent beings and others are dark, malevolent monsters. And of course, there is everything in between as well. I believe the darker versions of myself are there because of deliberate interference by other darker versions inside other individuals. Of course, we are also influenced greatly by enlightened masters. We are in a constant process of channeling these different, often conflicting versions of ourselves and others through our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. As a writer and performer, I am continuously looking for new ways to channel these different beings. Part of the reason I am a creative, stems from my desire to understand and perhaps even reconcile these various versions of myself.
Some viewers may sense political overtones in this video, reflecting the climate of hate and entitlement that seem to be gripping our nation. The mind of the abuser is not something confined to individual situations of abuse. Abuse can and is taking place on a societal level as well. Abusiveness is a way of being that is deeply rooted in our culture.
At some point in my recovery I found it very helpful to understand that we are all broken. It is only by honestly confronting myself with grace and an acceptance of my human frailty that I have been able to find sustained periods of peace, that sense of oneness with all things we so glibly call enlightenment.
I urge the viewer to watch to the end, if possible. Whether or not you were subjected to CSA, the theme of hate and entitlement resonates for all living beings. The cycling between energy and desire, love and power is a global phenomenon. The ending of the video came as a surprise to me, while I was creating it, and it really helped me discover a powerful way to cope with the stresses of recovery. What makes a survivor survive?
The truth is, confronting my own demons has been a very painful, ongoing and continuous process. Just when I think I have it all together, my world caves in upon me once again. Dealing with the complexity of feelings and familiar ways of being, placed in me and perpetrated against me by the man who assaulted me, has been a life long pursuit. To be sure, I am in no way attempting to raise understanding of the perpetrator to the level of condoning his behavior. It is extremely important to understand we survivors of CSA had very little control of what happened to us when we were young. Yet, at the end of the day, recovery is entirely our responsibility.
There is no question that an important part of my potential was destroyed by my abuser. My innocence was lost and I will never get it back. But this loss, for which I had to mourn in my own way, has in a way created a space for something else, perhaps better, perhaps deeper. I will never know for sure. I do know, however, that at some point, the cycle of remorse must be broken. Unfortunately, sometimes the breaking of these patterns is more painful than remaining in our familiar ways of being. I have found, that these breakdowns are what lead most directly to breakthroughs. It is through our wounds that the light gets in. I pray this video helps others in letting some light in.