My innocence was literally stolen when I was sexually assaulted as a kid. So, I tend to present in public as if I am somehow guilty of something. I get nervous and start talking. If I’m allowed to speak long enough, I will inevitably stumble upon some transgression or other I’ve committed in my past. These “sins” stick to me and I carry them around, waiting for the opportunity to haul them out and share them with people who don’t really need or want to hear them. Even if I’d made them right or was actually innocent, I find a way to twist events against myself. I fool myself into thinking I’m “being truthful” or “fully disclosing.” But I’m just babbling about things that have no bearing on the business at hand. In other words, I am subconsciously looking for any and every opportunity to shoot myself in the foot.

The Skeptic

This guilt complex confirms for me what I feel in my core, that I am damaged goods. I am irredeemable. The trauma of betrayal, of being groomed as a young teen and betrayed in such a devastating way, has damaged my psyche so profoundly that I shun leadership roles, or putting myself out there in any way; I absolutely abhor speaking in public. Unfortunately, these are a big part of my career as an artist, which has severely limited me. I’ve tried to compensate by being excellent at what I do; I find I do much better when I let my work speak for itself.

I have mixed feelings about the fact that at my ripe old age, I’m still dealing with childhood trauma. Although I’ve come a long way in my healing journey, the sting of the PTSD has become more manageable, the core feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty and general anxiety remain. Yes, there is treatment, pills, exercise and diet, but there is no real cure. The reason is, this trauma gets baked into the nervous system. I’m certain, for instance, my chronic pain is connected to the CSA I suffered when I was fourteen.